A few weeks ago I was talking with one of my patients about his recent release from the hospital where he was treated for a major infection. He was telling me he had to get home to cook the turkey for Thanksgiving. He was bringing the meal to his elderly parents, his mother is recovering from her second bout of breast cancer and his dad is currently struggling with the effects of Leukemia. Joe also mentioned that he invited a few of his workers to dinner as he knew they had nowhere else to go for the holiday as their families were far away.

   I met Joe some time ago when he was referred to me for stress related work problems. He had a thriving construction business, owned several rental properties in addition to a beautiful home on Cape Cod. He son was turning 8 and his wife complained of his working seven days a week and not being a very tolerant husband. Joe has always been a perfectionist, holding himself and others to very high standards. He had trouble maintaining employees as he often drove them as hard as he drives himself.  His anger would often get the better of him, leading to physical altercations on a few occasions. Nevertheless he impressed me as well intentioned and in many ways good hearted.  I could tell early on he was not someone who would be easy to work for or live with. His intolerance for anyone who didn’t see things his way seemed to be a characteristic of his black and white thinking. He once told he had no room for the gray in life, “you either step up and do the work or get out of the way” was his motto.

                                               Out of Despair Kindness Arises

       One rainy day Joe’s entire life ironically changed for the better. He fell off a roof and became paralyzed. He was used to scaling buildings, walking great heights and using potentially fatal power tools. On this day, he was in a hurry to make a dentist appointment. His attention dropped, his foot slipped and the next thing he knew he was on his back struggling to breathe.

As you might expect Joe went through a profound depression after the accident. Joe’s wife eventually filed for divorce, continuing a time in his life that seemed like the worst nightmare possible.

I lived through Joe’s depression. I visited him in a Boston hospital after I learned he was paralyzed. His first words to me were, “Doc, can you believe this happened to me? What am I going to do? I could lose my business. How will I support my family? This is crazy. I can’t live like this! You know I can’t!” I cried when I left his room. I felt empty with a deep sense of sadness as I drove home, wondering how I could help Joe and how he could ultimately help himself.

How could this man, in his late 30’s, very successful, two homes, real estate, land purchases, see it all come crumbling down and recover? His wife had left him. Two years later his father developed leukemia; then his mother discovered she had breast cancer. The only friend he felt understood his plight was a fellow paraplegic he met in rehab. Unfortunately, his friend committed suicide shortly thereafter, not being able to cope with the life of a paraplegic. We started our journey with a momentous mountain in our path.                                                                                                                                                                      

The first two years of our meetings were filled with grief, anger and despair. I listened as Joe told me how much he missed walking, running and skating. He’d been a stellar athlete and a very physical man all his life. How could he ever work out again? How could he regain his business? Would he disappoint his son?  He was afraid he wouldn’t be able to teach him how to hit a baseball, fish, ski, etc. Would his ex-wife’s new boyfriend take his place in his son’s heart? All these fears filled his mind, all based on a loss of complete control.                                                                                                                        

He constantly asked me what I thought about regaining his business, how could he continue his role as a father and whether he would ever drive again. We found a physical therapist who would train him to condition his upper body so that he could move more adeptly in his chair. He called truck manufacturers to see if a vehicle could be made for him to drive. We talked about how he could train men to be part of his construction business. He eventually trained two men, and he even had them hoist him up on to the very roof he’d fallen from to face his fear and most importantly, “to finish that goddamn job.”

We made a plan to call old customers to let them know he was back in business. He asked the baseball commissioner of his son’s league if he could coach his team. Last spring they won their division and his son could not be more proud of his dad.

Today, Joe’s business is again successful. He goes to job sites daily and works out at a gym three times a week. He has made his home handicap accessible and has become a great cook. He had abandoned his church after the accident, but today he and his son attend every Sunday morning. “It gives me such a good feeling to be there with him.” He has unleashed the kindness that had been buried within him for years.

                                                                                                                     Goodness Changes the Brain

A few weeks ago, after one of our individual sessions, Joe remarked, “I am a better person as a paraplegic.” “I turned my life around; I’ve come to believe that people are basically good. So many strangers have cared for me, given me their best to help me get better; they made me a more compassionate person. I was always so hard on people; I never realized how difficult it was for me to trust anybody.”

The tragedies of Joe’s accident made him slow down and reflect as the circumstances overwhelmed him with emotion. He was not known for expressing feelings readily. Loss of control can be a blessing. It can actually lift a burden one has been carrying all through life.

Joe tried so very hard to control all aspects of his life—his work environment, his wife, his son, etc. He always thought he was doing the “right thing.” He never realized that people could not relax around him. They worried he would be easily displeased or that they would disappoint him if they didn’t make that “all-out” effort he encouraged.

Today he has learned how to listen rather than using his old style of lecturing. He can tolerate vulnerability rather than giving anyone who has a doubt a pep talk. He understands human frailty in a way he never considered before. As a result, people feel closer to him and he feels closeness with many people he never experienced closeness with before.

People who remain open to new experiences and who expand their social circle have an expanded capacity for learning. Their brains develop new neurons. They find life interesting, not a chore. They like to find the novelty in every situation and “mix it up” a little, as opposed to the routine predictability I often see in many of my adult clients.

Joe lives near the church where I rent space to do my group sessions. After group on Friday mornings, I meet Joe at his home for our weekly session.

One Friday morning I was early and arrived before him. I talked with Ronnie, a recovering drug addict who is staying with Joe—not because Joe needs help, but because Ronnie needs to put his life back together. Ronnie lost his job, his wife, his driver’s license and most of his friends because of cocaine; and he is having trouble figuring out how to adapt to the circumstances of his life.

When Joe arrived, he roared up on the motorcycle he had custom-outfitted for his particular disability. He had come from the lake where he was overseeing the construction of a dock at a camp for handicapped children so they could learn how to kayak and water ski. Last winter, Joe went skiing on a special ski with his young son in Aspen. He also won a deep sea fishing contest with his son in Canada this past summer.

                                    Giving is a Survival Skill

A number of scientific studies as of late have indicated that being a giving person, an individual with a warm heart who extends himself or herself to others derives significant psychological benefits. Goodness stimulates the pleasure center of the brain, releases the feel good chemical dopamine,  and as a result this kind of empathic attunement is thought to protect our species by fostering cooperative efforts. Joe derived the benefits of giving as he was forced into a state of vulnerability. He learned through his tragic accident how vulnerability increases interpersonal capability. It would have seemed impossible to him to imagine loosing the use of his legs and immerging a happier person. It is a fact I have been privileged to witness. When we are open and honest with ourselves we can be open and honest with others. In the process we discover goodness in ourselves we can share with the rest of the world. It is surely a protective, connective process that allows us to remain healthy and vibrant. The opposite is true when we remain isolated and pre-occupied with our self interests to the exclusion of others.

In my experience leading group therapy sessions over the years I have continually noticed that when people become involved with other members in an empathic way they begin to feel better. The cure for depression and anxiety is not within but between us, as we enter the world of another we take a mental vacation from ourselves while influencing our neurochemistry positively.

                                         Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D., Ph.D.

                     Author of the Curse of the Capable: The Hidden Challenge to a Balanced, Healthy, High Achieving Life.

      .

 

Goodness is defined as the best part of anything.

Goodness is surely the best part of human beings. It is when we act with kindness, generosity, strength and integrity. Henry David Thoreau said that “goodness is the only investment that never fails”. It never fails because when we engage others with an attitude of goodness we produce what we are biologically and spiritually programmed to do. We produce the hormone oxytocin, which has been called the hormone of compassion which is elicited when we bond through the relational qualities that goodness embodies.

We all possess basic goodness, but depending on how resilient we are in facing day to day challenges, this inherent quality can recede into the background of our lives.

What interferes with our basic nature?
We probably all remember being told to “be good” by our parents and those of us raised in one of the major religions remember being told to “do good” in the service of others. Over time these phrases have been taken for granted and have seemed to have lost the basic message they were intended to deliver. If we do not appreciate the value of goodness we are unlikely to live from this perspective.

Human beings are kinder to each other when we feel safe and secure. With the rise of aggression in our culture, the threat of terrorism, the increase of bullying in our schools and in our workplace we find ourselves in a position of fear.

Fear creates anxiety, anxiety creates distorted thinking and ultimately distorted thinking creates an inflexible, overly simplified view of the world. These recent changes in our culture have promoted a lack of good will toward others and fostered more self absorption and less outward giving.

Black and White Thinking
Studies have proven that when we feel secure bias and prejudice is markedly reduced. Perception and mood are closely related. When we feel understood and secure we are more likely to perceive accurately and more likely to do good rather than do harm.

Social psychologists have long established that avoidant or anxious individuals will bolster their own self worth by imagining that their group, whether ethnic, religious or otherwise is superior. This defensive posture creates rigid thinking, the black and white perceptions that promote simplified theories of human beings and their affiliations.

Rigidity protects a fragile sense of self; it creates an artificial road map that gives an insecure person answers and direction to life complexities. Establishing a world view on anything but the truth will ultimately create more and more fear. Anxious people avoid new ideas and new ways of thinking, while avoidant people run from new challenges, both fearing loss of self esteem if they give up their entrenched beliefs.

To Do Good We Must Feel Good
If we have a solid sense of self we are far more likely to be gracious to groups other than our own. We emerge with greater tolerance of differences when we have been loved, respected and understood in the early parts of our lives. If we received the empathic resonance all young people crave we grow with optimism and with an excitement about learning new and novel ideas from new and novel people. It begins in our families.

If our parents had friends of diversity, if they were open to learning new possibilities to replace less functional ideas we are likely to value and feel happy when learning. This is the opposite experience of those who grew up in insecure households where the enemy was outside and the only good people remain inside.

Goodness then takes on a distorted meaning promoting the idea that we should only be and do good to our own, not those unlike us. If you talk to any early childhood educator they will tell you it takes only a few days in the initial school year to identify the empathic children who love life, love learning and most importantly love making friends.

Knowing how to express goodness makes us happy, more energetic and more resilient. We have more skills to manage daily living. We are not limited in our pursuits of knowledge and we are not limited in the array of people we can befriend. Young children feel the way we feel but they don’t think the way we think, therefore learning must take place by doing and feeling.

When learning is recorded on a visceral level it is embedded in the deepest part of our memory bank. Experience shapes our early outlook of ourselves and the world, children pay far less attention to what we say and far more attention to what we do. The old saying, “ do as I say not as I do” is a hypocritical message based on myth not on the true realities of how learning actually takes place. We are the models, the teachers who must convey a sense of excitement about doing good for all people.

Teaching Goodness
To uncover the basic goodness in each of us we must make a disciplined effort. We must recognize that goodness is part of our being; it is at the heart of our humanness. We have to move away from excluding anyone based on bias and prejudice. Goodness is not just for those who adhere to the Judeo-Christian ethic or the Buddhist or Muslim ethic or for that matter goodness is as much inherent to atheists as to any group.

We are all born with this inherent capacity. But what if we have been raised to believe that one group is superior to another, or that several of our thinking patterns are superior to others. I can assure if you think your education, race, religion, vocation, income, or location make you superior you are profoundly mistaken and doomed to a life of superficial relationships.

We teach goodness by the way we live, not by holding on to fixed ideas to shore up our sense of self. Be honest with yourself, acknowledge situations and people who threaten you and go about resolving these issues rather than punishing innocent people for being their authentic selves. You will never be comfortable in your own skin unless you have the courage to allow yourself to be vulnerable and discover where you need to grow and learn.

In many instances we need to un-learn mistaken positions we have held on to defensively. Old hurts are recorded deeply in the brain; we are programmed to remember what caused us fear. Fear creates rigid thinking which leads to false theories and inaccurate judgments. Re-evaluate your past with today’s wisdom and in the process you will release your dormant innate goodness.

Thomas Paine, one of our Founding Fathers when asked about his philosophy of life, replied “My country is the world, my religion is to do good”. Our world would surely be a better place if his words became synonymous with our actions on a daily basis.

Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D., Ph.D.
Author of The Curse of the Capable: The Hidden Challenge to a Balanced, Healthy, High Achieving Life.

Not long ago a patient of mine pleaded with me to find time to see her son in consultation. Marie is a single mom raising two boys, ages 19 and 16. She has been divorced for several years, her alcoholic husband hit her one too many times and she left him when the boys were quite young.

Her oldest son Nathan has had a very troubling life, often acting out in school, quite aggressive and extremely disrespectful of authority. He quit high school in his junior year, has drifted throughout the country and eventually found what he has come to call his new family, the infamous group called white supremacists.

I agreed to see Nathan and our one time consultation proved to be invaluable in my further understanding of the mind of the bully. Nathan proudly let me know that he has beaten blacks, Jews, gays, Italians, Puerto Ricans etc. He made it clear in the early moments of this consultation that he and his fellow supremacists were the only ones who were truly protecting American values. His initial story was not uncommon, I am sure you have heard these descriptions of violence in the name of distorted views of justice.

The Real Story-The Hidden Injury
Nathan was particularly prideful about his hatred of blacks; he talked of how they were truly inferior, less intelligent than whites, living off the system as he continued to ramble on about their destruction of white society for several minutes. I listened for the most part as he ranted.

At one point he commented that he knew I must agree with his views.” After all my mom said you’ve been at Harvard and “there aren’t many blacks walking around in Cambridge”. I of course informed him there were many black professors at Harvard and in particular several who were noted for their brilliance in the medical school. He argued and again I just let him vent. After I was able to calm him by listening attentively I slowly asked him if he would give me an honest answer to an important question. He proudly said of course as I knew he would not want to convey retreat.

I asked him if he thought he would score higher on an IQ test than one of my black colleagues if I could arrange for testing in a few days. He fumbled for an answer and for the first time I could see his exposed vulnerability. “I’ve never been school smart; it doesn’t matter anyway on the street”.

I then complimented him for answering honestly. He was surprised as he did not exactly answer my question. I mentioned that he revealed his answer without many words and although he was feeling angry I could tell he was an honest person. Nathan, at this point, had calmed down somewhat and I knew I had his attention. I then asked if I could ask a second question and he agreed. His pride seemed to be pushing him forward.

The Scene of the Crime-the Original Story
I asked Nathan how it came about that he developed such hatred for blacks. He went on tell me how he grew up in a poor neighborhood outside of Boston. He was one of the few white kids on his street and he was taunted and hit on the bus repeatedly by black kids who were older and stronger. He felt totally humiliated day after day. “I told my old man what was going on but he was always too drunk and never did a dam thing about it, my mother was too scared herself and eventually we moved but not after me learning what these n……were really all about”.

The Bully was Bullied
As Nathan told of his early suffering and how his rage developed he began to mellow, at one point his rage turned to tears. The origin of his hatred was clear, there is always a story of hurt, humiliation and damaged self worth behind feelings of rage. We ended our conversation that night and I never saw Nathan again. His mom moved to Florida to take care of her elderly parents shortly thereafter. A few months ago I received an email from Marie saying Nathan had left his so called friends and was living with the her and his grandparents. She said things were still quite difficult, his temper could erupt at any moment but he was enrolled in an IT school to gain certification as a technician. She also mentioned he seemed to be benefitting from conversations with her father, an ex marine who had great respect for what violence can do to a person’s life.

An Ordinary Human Being
You may think of Nathan as unusual and in many ways despicable. After all he took delight in bullying and beating innocent people. He is however not so unusual in terms of the development of a bullying personality. Aggression fosters aggression, empathy fosters empathy. Nathan, like many other abusers, was abused himself. He lived with unbearable humiliation, lacked the support of a stable family to help him cope and as a result eventually feel prey to the seduction of the supremacists. They initially offered him connection, support and a family structure that seemed to guarantee him safety and security. They united with him in rage toward a common enemy as they superficially built up his self esteem. They praised him for following their dictates and rewarded his bullying under the disguise of protecting white people who were being robbed of their independence and rights.

I am reminded of the classic studies by psychologist Stanley Milgram when he was determined to understand how seemingly ordinary people could commit atrocities such as those perpetrated by the Nazi’s during the holocaust.

Dr. Milgram designed an experiment where some individuals were told that they were helping researchers to find ways to improve memory. They were divided into roles of teachers and learners. Learners were to memorize a set of words, teachers would administer the testing. In actuality the learners were actors implanted by Dr. Milgram. Teachers were to deliver and electric shock for wrong answers, beginning with 15 volts. The control panel of the electroshock machine was labeled slight shock to danger to severe shock. Even though the learners were shouting “ I can’t stand the pain” at 450 volts, once the experimenter stated that he would assume all responsibility two thirds of the teachers continued to elicit shocks to the very end of the scale. This result shocked the researchers themselves but proved that ordinary, decent people could perpetrate acts of violence and cruelty. This experiment has been duplicated many times indicating that when people shift their sense of responsibility to an authority they are capable of doing immense harm. Nathan had shifted his sense of responsibility to group leaders, freeing him to unleash his sadistic side without evoking his conscience.

Human Beings are born to Care not Hurt
Numerous studies indicate that we are genetically programmed to care for each other. If however were abused, neglected or humiliated the capacity for empathy withers and we are left with a sense of helpless rage toward those who inflicted suffering on us. I was asked recently by a reporter if empathy can be taught. I answered in seconds, “absolutely”.

In conducting group psychotherapy sessions over the years I have witnessed many individuals develop this capacity even if it was under-developed for most of their lives. Human beings cannot resist empathic attunement. Even Nathan, with all his rage, began to soften as he felt understood. I saw in his eyes the hurt humiliated boy who desperately was searching for understanding, belonging and safety. When we don’t feel secure and safe we are vulnerable to being manipulated by predators and we are vulnerable to forming long lasting prejudices that fuel resentment and chronic unhappiness.

The Societal Factor
If as a society we want to reduce bullying and aggression we have to place more emphasis on teaching cooperation and less emphasis on idealizing the win at all costs attitude. We reward the aggressor in many instances on a regular basis. Professional athletes and celebrities act with disdain for human life and we forgive them because they perform and achieve on high levels. This attitude promotes valuing status over character and achievement over quality relationships. If our goal is to become rich materially at the expense of becoming poor spiritually we will continue to witness acts of terror.

Our young people will continue to take their lives as they envision no hope for fairness and equality in a society devoid of empathic understanding of differences. Developing and expanding our innate capacity for empathy is the salve our society is in desperate need of, let us all place our inherent goodness as the guiding motivation to living and behaving with compassionate and tolerance. Our youth is in need of rescue, it is a critical, immediate need we are responsible to fulfill.

Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D., Ph.D.
Author of The Curse of the Capable: The Hidden Challenge to a Balanced, Healthy, High Achieving Life.

Tonight, we are delivering the first The Introductory Webinar Revealing the 5 Stages to Greater Love, Health and Success

Get Free of “the Curse”.

Are you a “High-Achiever?”

You may be surprised to know that it’s not your level of success and riches that determine if you are one.

| It’s less a matter of what you have achieved than the nagging desire for more.

Achievers drive themselves non-stop. They often seek love and respect from what they achieve and how they look. Yet, they feel something is missing but can’t quite put their finger on it.

They tend to exhaust themselves and others.

Even when they succeed, there’s still something missing and they will usually turn right to the next thing.

Athletes usually have it. Actors often struggle with it. And as you read these words, millions of people, from all walks of life, are suffering with “the curse.”

The Curse Is…

…a combination of drive, capability and an inner dialogue that is driving many people into the ground.

An addiction to performance, this endless drive to do more, win more, have more, look better is turning most people into high achievers without the needed support, and blocking them from the success and satisfaction they want even when they do succeed.

| Even when you do “win,” does it feel less than satisfying?

>>> It’s not fun—and it’s NOT the road to balanced success.  <<<<

It’s a deadly dance with emptiness, and dissolution that ruins relationship, sabotages success and robs you of your energy, vitality and life.

If any of these feels familiar…

If you suspect that you may be a “high-achiever” then you know this in your gut to be true for you.

You also need to know that you can change your story.

That’s exactly what you’ll discover how to do in this Introductory Webinar with Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli, Clinical Psychologist and Harvard Medical School Instructor, and coauthor John Allen Mollenhauer, leading authority in Performance Lifestyle training and coaching, who will discuss the contents of their newly released book The Curse of the Capable: The hidden challenge to a balanced and healthy, high-achieving life.

Get ready to drop the weight of the past:

Turn Fear into Strength, Anxiety into Action and Go From Getting By to Feeling Better Relatively Fast with The 5-Step Process to Change Your Story!

Space is limited, so

==>>Reserve your Webinar seat now at:

https://www1.gotomeeting.com/register/933933856

Moderator: Jeff Betman, PhD, Clinical Psychologist

In my last group therapy session members were discussing their levels of happiness in relation to all aspects of their lives.  This particular group ranges in age from mid-forties to mid -fifties. One of the women who was recently divorced said her major frustration in life is not having a sexual partner. “I haven’t had sex in more than a year, she kiddingly made light of the situation but we could all tell she was genuinely frustrated. As members began to open up she was surprised to hear that some married members do not have sex regularly. Two of our male members said they basically live in celibate marriages. Her reaction, “I don’t think I could stay married, why do you stay in such a negative situation”. Ironically the two men who currently have celibate marriages have been married the longest. One indicates that he has gained a new understanding of his situation over time. “My wife struggled with her weight all her life, as the years went on she felt more and more unattractive despite my telling her she looked good, I still love her but I have never been able to change her mind. Then menopause came early and the lights went out completely.  I admit I have been angry with her for a long time but through couples sessions I realize that it is not personal, it is something she is working on and I finally have come to believe it is not about me. I have hope for the future because I know we love each other and we’re both trying”.

                                    Sexual Desire is Complicated

    In my practice the story above is a very common, particularly as people age. There are a multitude of reasons as to why people become distant sexually. Unresolved conflict, ill health, poor fitness, depression, anxiety about body image, alcohol or drug use, sexual abuse and of course hormonal changes are all influential factors. In addition a person’s history with affection within one’s own family is a very important factor.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            One of our group members is a person we all admire tremendously. He is not a driven or self absorbed person, his character is outstanding and his devotion to people in his community is quite impressive. He was divorced several years ago and his second marriage has been the best relationship of his life. However his wife has never had strong sexual desires and as she has aged her desire for sex has diminished greatly. Ron has periodically talked of his longing for her and how rejected he sometimes feels. He has periodically brought up the subject with her and he ultimately feels uncomfortable as his wife usually ends up feeling terrible. She loves him deeply and realizes she is disappointing him in significant ways. Ron knows his life loves him. They communicate well except for this very touchy subject, and have both been very committed to their children from both of their previous marriages. In our last group session he was asked how he copes with such infrequent sexual contact. “I don’t know really, I try to focus on the other aspects of our relationship. My wife is a very affectionate person, we cuddle on the couch and in bed so it’s not like I can’t feel her interest. I think of how wonderful she has been to my family, my dying father, my daughter over the years and I love how committed she is to the students in her class. I should talk to her more about our sexual relationship but I just don’t like hurting her. All in all I cope by knowing she is the best thing that ever happened to me. Do I wish we could make love occasionally? Of course but for now I have to look at the whole picture”.

                                        What is the Answer?

Sexuality in the early stages of a relationship is easy, takes very little skill and is usually filled with idealized projections of who the other persona is and how they will change our lives. As time goes on reality sets in and those who use sex for functional reasons often become disenchanted quickly. Sexual intimacy for them is not about loving it is about satisfying needs to lift self worth.  They seldom remain engaged long enough to truly love the essence of another person. They move on to another fantasized person who will temporarily serve as an anti-depressant.

         What about those individuals who come to truly love their partner. What do you do when sexual intimacy is lacking and emotional distance is growing? How do you decide to go on if you know intimacy may not be a major part of the relationship? These are extremely complicated questions for sure and they will take time and patience to answer accurately. It is most important to ask yourself if you are allowing for intimacy to develop. Examine your own behavior first and with the help of your partner try to be honest and open as to what you bring to the relationship that may hinder intimacy. For instance,  many people underestimate the need for relationships to be fostered and not taken for granted. If you don’t water the plant it withers, love is no different. After you have worked out your part with clarity you are in a better position to access the level of genuine love in your relationship. If it is truly absent it will be easier to make decisions. For instance my two patients above love their wives and thus they have decided to remain committed and will continue to work on the possibilities.

                                      Empathy creates Intimacy

   In order to maintain intimacy in any quality long term relationship we have to go beyond physical attraction to encompass the heart and soul of the person we have committed our lives to. Empathy leads us from the initial superficial connection to a deep, heartfelt relationship that involves knowing and loving the whole person. When we love and accept our partner’s imperfections we also find ourselves more acceptant of our own limitations and shortcomings.

     It is foolish to assume your sexual relationship will remain the same as when you first met. Many people long for the return to the initial infatuation phase.  It is far more fulfilling when we actually experience the depth of love that goes beyond imagination to a reality that is supportive, dependable and expansive. Ultimate intimacy is when two souls join together as one. As we have seen this may or may not include sexual intimacy. In any event when you establish this kind of depth you are in a much better position to judge the relevance and importance of sexuality to you and your partner. In my experience when couples love deeply and empathically they find a way to re-engage affectionately and often reach a satisfactory level of sexual intimacy.

                                          Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D., Ph.D.

                                 Author of The Curse of the Capable: The Hidden Challenge to a Balanced, Healthy, High Achieving Life.

In our newly released book, The Curse of the Capable we mentioned how Tiger Woods single minded focus worked successfully for him before he was married and how his life had supposedly become more balanced as he married and started a family. I don’t pretend to know Mr. Woods other than what I have read and observed so I mean no disrespect to him or his family for including him in this article.  His relevance to this piece is due to his inclusion in the new book. At the time of the writing he was noted as a celebrity who performed at high levels while being a balanced family man. This unmistakable point is worth reviewing retrospectively and certainly is not exclusive to celebrities as you will see.

                     How we use Stories to cover up our Vulnerabilities

   Tiger, like many other very capable people, excels in one narrow area of life and many people assume this success extends to all aspects of his and other very competent people’s lives. This is a common dynamic of talented people who suffer from “The Curse”. The hallmark of this dilemma is the co-occurrence of being capable in a particular area, and the strong sense that something very important is missing although the individual can’t clearly identify what is missing. The Curse then manifests in various ways such as excessive drinking, affairs, angry outbursts, self abuse or abuse of others.  The unending search for what is missing becomes all consuming and can drive very competent people to lead very destructive lives.

                                     Cover Up’s Destroy Intimacy                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        We ironically included Tiger’s positive story in a chapter titled “Image Love”.

From the book, “People who are not in an intimate relationship and are unyieldingly caught up in constant achievement are engaged in a bold attempt to secure love and respect from afar, making love a distraction. As much as they may want love, those who feel cursed adopt stories that eliminate the possibility. It’s the classic achiever story of the person who puts the rest of his life on hold in order to excel in various ventures-be it job, a new business, perfecting appearance or various attempts to obtain fame and status.”  How ironic that today, after the book’s publication, it is now clear that the story depicted as the cure was actually more symbolic of the Curse.

               It’s not just Celebrities Who tell Inaccurate Stories

Obviously the story Tiger was telling the world was not the true story. He projected a profile he could not possibly live up to and eventually it all fell apart. We have been inundated with media reports of known celebrities acting inappropriately in their private lives, from Charlie Sheen, to Mel Gibson, to the NFL’s Ben Roethlisberger and many others. We have trouble believing that behind the scenes a different, less positive story exists than the one we see on camera. Sheen and Gibson are actors, Woods and Roethlisberger are athletes, but all are in the performance theatre, where stories can easily be constructed and exaggerated as well as promoted. However we are all part of this human story. If we evolve in the formative years of our lives with a negative story it will ultimately determines our behavior. Regardless of our professional success we will be destined to feel isolated, frustrated and often completely out of control.

             Understanding the Consequences of your Story

                      These celebrity examples are profound and highly publicized examples of how we create stories early in life that are based on fictional accounts of who we are. We all need to re-write these stories by obtaining accurate information from those who are willing to help us obtain the truth about ourselves. Otherwise we are allowing ourselves to be prone to extreme efforts to achieve in order to solve a problem that cannot be satisfied through performance. We see in these dramatic cases how we cannot solve an internal problem with an external solution. We can only be healed through having the courage to look back, with the help of others, to discern how we created the internal view we have of ourselves. That view determines our behavior and governs our perceptions. We wrote a novel early in life and that fictional account needs to be re-written as a non-fiction, factual account of who we are on the deepest level.

                              Emotional Freedom

Emotional freedom comes when we can accept our vulnerabilities and our imperfections. Freedom comes when we truly know ourselves and we perceive the character of those close to us accurately. Intimacy is sustained and a sense of internal calm is experienced with consistency when our comprehensive view of ourselves match reality, not when our stories remain confused, distorted and lead to  behavior that is self abusive and hurtful to others.

                        Empathy reveals our Authentic Self

We can clearly see the difference between the real and projected stories among celebrities. They unfortunately are scrutinized so closely by the media that when the authentic story is revealed it makes headlines immediately. Many people in our current driven society are no different although most of us don’t have to suffer through the humiliation of public exposure. It is not uncommon for human beings to project an image of themselves to the world that is untrue. We even come to believe that these unrealistic images we project are accurate. The only way we determine the true story is by entering into empathic relationships with those close to us. We have the opportunity to receive valuable feedback daily if we have the courage to do so. A great friend is one who gives us what we need not what we want. People sense whether or not we are open to honest feedback. Your friends, family and associates will tread lightly if you’re defensive, overly sensitive or resistant to forming a new view of yourself. We can’t make an accurate assessment of ourselves alone, we are all too subjective. Stay in your own head and you’re likely to buy into a false story. Open up to those around you and you are very likely to begin living with an internal story that will bring you love, creativity, and overall success in the world. Always remember your internal story determines your life experience.

            Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D., Ph.D.

Author of The Curse of the Capable: The Hidden Challenge to a Balanced, Healthy, High Achieving Life.

A recent study at the University of Michigan Institute for Social Research found that college students today are 40% less empathic than they were in 1979, the largest decline coming in the last decade. A review of 72 studies over three decades revealed that narcissism and self absorption are on the rise. Scientists were not able to determine clear causes for this change but some speculated that terrorism, the economy, constant news exposure, and an extremely competitive world are at the root of this disturbing trend.

                       Empathy Evolves or Withers Depending on Environment

      Children begin life self absorbed and they view their caretakers as solely responsible to them, as if we as parents are an extension of their right arm. If they are engaged with empathy over time they begin to develop this innate capacity and they inherently want to be reciprocal. If however they have not been exposed to supportive, empathic interactions this capacity atrophies like a muscle unused. If you’re raised by depressed, pre-occupied, alcoholic or narcissistic parents for instance, it is unlikely that your empathy will develop to any significant degree. We mirror what we see in life and empathy expands or contracts in response to our early encounters. Children move from a somewhat narcissistic perspective to a more other oriented focus when they have been nurtured with compassion and consistent caring. In essence empathic parents tend to raise empathic children.

                                    Empathy washes away Narcissism

  A few weeks ago one of my patients was found unconscious by his wife lying on a barn floor with a rope around his neck. He got drunk, tried to hang himself from a rafter that fortunately collapsed. Mark is an extremely intense man. He is often overly absorbed in his work as a software salesman and seldom able to be present in a way that makes people feel he is listening and comprehending. In essence his empathic abilities are lacking and he has often been accused of being quite narcissistic. He had recently been laid off after not making his sales quota for the second straight quarter and was feeling humiliated and ashamed, common emotional states for narcissists when they fail.

       Mark, despite this profile, is a decent person who is immensely miss-directed in his efforts to live a happy, fulfilled life.  His father was accomplished in the business world, his mother worked full time as an administrative assistant and together they provided a secure financial life for he and his sister. Neither parent was particularly attuned to their children, both labeled poor listeners by Mark and preoccupied with their own interests. Thus you understand how he emerged with the mindset of providing but not attending to emotional needs of those close to him.

     Ironically his attempt to take his own life has opened a door he had never passed through before. He has always thought of his wife as being with him for functional reasons. “I gave her a comfortable life, I not sure she would have stayed with me if I didn’t work so hard, make the big bucks”. He feels the same about his adult daughter, “I didn’t attend many of her sporting events but I was always there to pay for a fancy vacation, let her buy expensive clothes, bought her  a great car in high school, sent her to an expensive private college, she didn’t have to borrow a cent”. His daughter was in the middle of planning an expensive wedding when Mark lost his job, he hadn’t even told her that he was laid off for fear she would be too disappointed.

       Mark has related to me in a similar fashion, often making jokes about paying me and asking if I would help him if he had no money, or “would you cast me to the curb Doc”.

                           An attempt to end Life began a different Life

Ironically since Mark’s attempt he has experienced a kind of love based on empathy and compassion that he had never been open to feel before. He could not believe how devastated his wife was when she feared he was dead. He finally realized that her love is undeniable as he saw in her eyes how very much she cares and how devastated she was finding him unconscious. He was amazed that his daughter came to him when she learned of his attempt and pleaded with him to let her cancel the current wedding plan. She had already begun changing the plan to a simpler occasion with just extended family and a few friends to reduce the pressure on him. He was even emotionally moved that I would extend my work day on several occasions to meet with him and his family. He felt pressured about not having insurance and when I remarked that I trusted him and knew he would pay me when he could he was emotionally moved.  All in all Mark’s narcissism began to melt in the face of overpowering empathy. He has a softer, more attentive presence now and he appears to have discovered a level of intimacy that he desperately wants to sustain. He has been longing for years to just feel loved for who he is not just for what he provides. He now knows that his speed of thought and constant need to be in action was all to win love. Mark is certainly not out of the woods but he does have a much clearer idea of what brings love. Empathic relating is surely a key variable.                                                                            

                          Empathy can Uncover and Change a Negative Story

        Empathy is certainly the antithesis of narcissism. Mark has become more empathic as he slowed down enough to fully experience the power and benefit of this capability. As a result his tendency to be self absorbed has decreased markedly and he is committed to being more available to his family and friends, without the old tendency to drift away into his own world. Although his suicidal attempt is a rare occurrence his belief that performance will bring love and respect is part a cultural dynamic I call Performance Addiction. It is extremely common in our society and many who are afflicted have no idea of how to resolve the persistent unhappiness it causes.                                                                                Without the ability to enter the world of another we remain self absorbed and within ourselves.  I have believed for years in the benefit of empathy training. Through empathic interactions we have the unique opportunity to re-write our story by finding out, once and for all, the truth of who we really and what in life does really bring love and fulfillment.  We are born with this capacity but whether it develops or not is dependent on how we are interacted with and how our models in the early years of our lives display their empathic attunement. If you were not fortunate to have empathic parents or others who understood how to react from an empathic perspective you can still learn how to employ this important skill with the right training.                                                                              In our face paced culture many people have difficulty learning how to slow down and listen attentively. It is critical however to develop this skill as empathy is unquestionably the most important capacity for a successful personal and professional life. It is critical to maintaining intimacy and healthy working relationships. It allows us to see another accurately, to fall in love with a real person (real love) versus ill fated attempts to love an image that can never be maintained over time. If we practice developing our empathic attunement to others we become part of the solution to a society that is drifting away to self absorption. The health of our culture is dependent on our efforts.

                                           Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D., Ph.D.

                    Author of the Curse of the Capable: The Hidden Challenge to a Balanced, Healthy, High Achieving Life.

                                            

American couples are increasingly growing distant in a society driven by image, fears of ageing and the uncertainties of a rapidly changing world. According to the World Health Organization we have one of the highest rates of depression, stress, anxiety, addictions, diabetes and obesity in the civilized world. Our children reportedly have the highest rates of childhood diabetes and obesity, and the depression rates for children are two and a half times what they were a few years ago. Eating disorders and substance abuse are common not atypical in today’s schools. Each week we spend 22 hours less with our children than parents 20 years ago; we are essentially becoming ESTRANGED from our children.

Money Can’t Buy Love

We are spending more than ever before, with the national savings rate at the lowest point since the Great Depression. Studies have proven that compulsive spending and financial insecurity causes estrangement in our marriages. Our competitive nature drives us to spend what we don’t have in order to be on par with our neighbors and associates. We are in a contest we don’t enjoy, can’t win and can’t seem to stop.

Stop Aging to Secure Love

We lead the world in money spent on cosmetic procedures; we spent $14 billion on these procedures in 2006 with one billion being financed. One third of the people having these procedures had a household income of less than $30,000. The obsessive pursuit of beauty causes additive behavior which has also been proven to cause estrangement from those closest to us. Our society is increasingly fostering unhealthy relationships that are based on appearance rather than encouraging the process of learning how to establish and maintain genuine love.

Loving a Fantasy

The pornographic industry has grown exponentially as it offers, along with sex chat rooms, a quick fix to the chronic problem of emotional distance in long term relationships. Americans spent $13 billion on pornography in 2006, every second we spend $3,075 on pornographic sites .Spouses who pursue porn on a regular basis ultimately feel estranged from their partners as no one can compete with the idealization of porn figures. These idealized images foster perfectionism and a false sense of what love and intimate sexuality really mean.

We’ve lost that Loving Feeling

Couples from all walks of life tell me on a daily basis how they long for the “in love” feeling they had in the early years of their courtships. Estrangement has been defined as a state of indifference where there had formerly been love, affection and friendliness. Many couples have come to believe that sexual relations dwindle simply because of years spent together. The facts point more in the direction of couples losing intimacy by buying into a fast paced culture, a culture of estrangement that stresses beauty, money and an anti-ageing formula of success. We are becoming a society that lacks relational integrity- the capacity to place relationships with family, friends and community above the need for image and status.

Performance Addiction

ESTRANGMENT is, in part, the result of the cultural forces outlined above that have been absorbed into the psyches of many individuals. These forces have been identified by other theorists but not in terms of how they deteriorate levels of intimacy in our long term relationships. They leave many with a feeling of indifference to those they once “fell in love with“. Americans long for closeness they lost long ago. Unfortunately we are looking in all the wrong places. Many have fallen prey to what I call Performance Addiction-the belief that perfecting appearance and achieving status will secure love and respect. This irrational belief system is hardwired early in life and reinforced by cultural expectations. Performance addicts tend to value achievement over character and status over relationships.

The Path to True, Lasting Love

Performance addicts believe they can perfect their way to happiness. They must return to the “scene of the crime” when they first started believing that performance would be the answer to their longings for love. Awareness of this original story is necessary so that old dysfunctional beliefs can be replaced by learning new behaviors that  foster authentic intimacy. This transformation takes time, patience and dedication.

True happiness, love and respect come when people have developed high relationship skills, especially the capacity for empathy. Recovery from the estranged state only comes when we learn in our hearts and in our heads that relationships are in fact the key to gaining what has been missing all along. True love and sexual intimacy is based on uncritical affection, not on the constant comparing and contrasting yourself and your spouse to others, the hallmark of a performance addict.

Once we identify the means to regain lost love we can restore a feeling of hope in our ongoing relationship.  I have witnessed many poignant stories unfold as couples re-gain intimacy and restore balance to their lives and families. These individuals have learned how to know and love a real person rather than chasing misguided cultural myths. Rather than remaining estranged, they have learned how to maintain relationship integrity in the most complicated time in our history. Our current climate is emotionally disturbing; the methods we have adopted for salvation have increased alienation. Interpersonal closeness is the only reliable tool to establish a resilient personality in the face of difficulty. Rather than being driven by the cultural forces and early conditioning that have driven us apart we need to establish the relational path to regaining love and a sense of optimism going forward.

Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.d., Ph.D.

When I was a young boy my father gave me Norman Vincent Peale’s book The Power of Positive Thinking and told me that after I finished the book I could move a tree if I believed I could. I read parts of the book and was admittingly a bit puzzled. I understood the point about being positive but didn’t quite understand how I could actually make myself think positive and move mountains. The instruction book seemed to be missing although I liked the concept.

   In today’s culture we are bombarded with self help books, motivational speakers and CD’s providing instructions of how to be and remain positive. I don’t think anyone denies the value of being positive but most of us who follow the simple instructions aren’t quite able to maintain this positive state as easily as we are instructed. What is the missing ingredient?

                                       Awareness of Your Story

   Negativity is almost always based on inaccurate interpretation of reality. One of my group therapy clients joined our sessions due to being overly stressed and struggling with self consciousness about his self image. Two aspects of his life embarrassed him greatly, the blue collar town he grew up in and the so-called mediocre college he attended. Over time he let us know of his embarrassment. After several months of sessions he has learned that his perception of his inferiority was a distorted view he needlessly carried with him for several years. As he unraveled his negative story so did others. One woman talked of not being pretty enough, we determined this perception was not true. Another woman thought she didn’t speak well, not true. A few of the men talked of thinking their balding hairlines make them unattractive, not true. One man talked of his superior intelligence, also not true. Whether distortions about oneself are positive or negative the truth must be discerned in order to remain positive in life. You can’t be positive with consistency if you’re not dealing with reality. The foundation of your sense of self has to be solid and stable. Distortions create road maps that take us to the wrong destination with the wrong people.                            Over the years of doing group sessions I have heard these types of stories over and over again. The emotional distress of negative thinking is profound and if you don’t become aware of where your biases originated you are doomed to continue living in the prison of pessimism.                                

                                       The Truth Expands our Vision

        Knowing the truth about who you are is a process that can’t occur quickly or without significant effort. Just trying to think positively won’t work for long if your old story is embedded in your psyche. It takes time, patience and persistence to change negative views to more realistic perspectives.

    First we must become aware of our biases; of course we need other objective rational people to help us come to accurate conclusions about ourselves. Then the hard work begins. We have to change the view we established early in life for the new view we have come to learn as adults. We were quite impressionable as young people; taking in the views of others later in life is not easy even if the feedback we are receiving is complimentary. It takes time and trust to come to believe that the negative views we held about ourselves may have originated through our relationships with biased caretakers, coaches, teachers and other significant authority figures as well as peers.

       Eventually, with courage and determination, the new view replaces the old negativity and we are finally in a position to live our lives with a positive, realistic view of ourselves. The truth has freed us from the past once we integrate new information in our heart and mind. I emphasize heart as many of us know that our negativity is not rational but it persists as it is recorded deep in the emotional parts of the brain. Change means we have to re-arrange ourselves emotionally as well as intellectually, which is why it never occurs quickly or easily. We can understand without changing. Change has to be an active process involving behavior, intellect and emotion.

    Once we have done this work the negativity in our environment and in the world has far less impact on our outlook. When we are at peace within we can tolerate the chaos around us without being effected in major ways. We have reached a state of calm allowing us to tolerate the stress outside of us without becoming overly stressed ourselves. We have then become models for balanced living.

    

I was listening to a client this morning tell me that every day when she awakens her first thoughts are always anxious. She immediately thinks of the problems she must face. Her tension is visible in the mirror as she washes her face and her perspective has already become narrowed as anxiety produces worry. Worry limits her ability to view problems objectively which in turn causes a panicky state as she walks out the door to face the day. 

                                              How Come I’m so Negative?

I asked my client how she was awakened as a child. “Oh my God is was horrible, my mother would try to be kind for a few minutes but sooner or later she would start with all this tension, telling us were already late, we have to hurry and eat, she would be grabbing clothes out of the closet and talking so fast I just wanted to hide under the pillows”.

    Rita’s mom was chronically late, relatively unprepared for the day herself, and usually worried she would be late for work so she unintentionally passed her anxious, worrisome ways onto her children as their eyes first saw daybreak. Rita learned from this habitual pattern that each day ahead should be approached very carefully, something was going to go wrong and you should always be prepared. This worry made her mind speed, and her ability to calm herself was non-existent. She was prescribed Ritalin in those days because her teachers thought her concentration was poor, her ability to attend and focus seemed to be neurologically programmed, and medication was seen as the answer to this dilemma. Needless to say Rita never realized in her teens that she was not necessarily a child with ADD, but was rather a child being programmed for worry and negativity.

                                           Can Worry be changed to Optimism?

  The answer is yes, but not without hard work. The first step is to identify, as Rita has, the origin of this conditioned way to beginning the day. If we were awakened to an environment of worry, anxiety, neglect, inattention, anger, irritation or any other negative emotional state we are carrying that habitual behavior with us today. We need to be very focused to turn our old embedded thinking pattern around so we can begin each day with an open, appreciative attitude.

  Rita is a single mom, waking her 8 year old daughter with the tension she herself brings into the world every day. She then gets irritated with her daughter, just as her mother did with her, when she doesn’t obey her commands immediately. She starts to worry about being late for work, about forgetting something like her daughters lunch etc. When this tension filled process ends she is on her way to work in a state of mind that assures difficulty focusing, difficulty remembering and difficulty being able to perceive with an expanded view.

    I asked Rita what she hoped would have been different in her own family experience. “ I wish my mom could have been affectionate, hugged me in my bed, a little kiss, soft words easing me into the day, I just wished she could have made me feel secure, made me feel like everything would be ok, sent me off with a smile rather than with that worried look of hers”.

                                              Changing a Habit means Changing Behavior

 I could have told Rita to exercise, mediate and eat nutriously to start her day, all valuable means to calmness. However Rita’s longings gave her the answers she was looking for, the most important variable to change. If she begins doing what she wished for she will not only change her daughter’s story but in the process she will change her own. We change by doing; it must be an active process. It is never easy; Rita will have to train herself to approach her daughter differently every day for some time before it will feel natural. One thing I know: if this new beginning makes Rita and her daughter happy it will continue and become a natural way of being.

                                                       Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D., Ph.D.