My 4 favorite books so far this year; The Curse of the Capable with John Allen Mollenhauer, The Thank You Economy by Gary Vaynerchuck, and The Talant Code by Daniel Coyle, and T__ M__________ M_______ by?
Guess what the 4th book is and I’ll send you a free copy of The 7 Rules of Achievement. I’ll give you a hint. The author had a near death life altering experience that led to the writing of his first book and spawned a training business worth millions today. Any guesses?

What is the forth book he is referring to?
Guess here.

John-Allen here, co author of The Curse of the Capable.

What is “the curse” of the capable person?

Well there are several definitions of the curse, depending on how comprehensive a picture of a persons psychology you want to look at and your perspective, but here are the recurring definitions that have developed in getting feedback from hundreds of people.

There is the core definition of the curse, that is the basis of the book by Dr Arthur Ciaramicoli based on his experience with Performance Addiction and the thousands of clients he has seen over the course of the last 30 years. This was my experience from having suffered the curse of the capable for many years first hand; the result of performance addiction and the negative, inaccurate and highly driven internal psychology that it can create.

The Curse is a mental state where talented people mask their vulnerabilities  through their capabilities. We refer to the curse when people are trying very hard in their efforts to achieve and perform to win the respect and love of other people.

What happens when you try your very hardest and yet you still can’t attain the healthy, balanced life you long for? What happens when you don’t understand the reasons your life is not satisfying? You feel Cursed! You’re disappointed you’re not living the life you thought all your hard work would bring, and you’re feeling run down in the process.

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As time has progressed other definitions have also emerged, such as:

The curse of the capable is when the negative or “unsupportive” internal stories that are driving you to higher levels at the cost of your health and well being, are fed back to you to get you to perform even more or even better. This usually happens when others are trying to get you to do what they are either afraid to do, or don’t have the energy or skill to do.

This definition of the curse is almost seen as a compliment. “oh John, you do this better than anyone I have ever seen…”. Inside your head your thinking, “yeah, she’s right, I am so capable of that, therefore…“. And there you go again, doing what may or may not be in your best interest, or current capacity or desire, but you play right into the wants and desires of others and it throws you out of balance!

For anyone who is suffering from a degree of performance addiction, this definition of the curse is that much more insidious. It’s when your own capabilities are used against you. I don’t mean to imply in that others want to hurt you or cause you pain, or anything like that, but if you can’t recognize when something is not right for you and it’s being packaged in way that is meant to appeal to who you think you need to be to get approval, love and respect, you will feel like you are getting pulled in all directions virtually all of the time and feel very out of balance.

I say “virtually all of the time” because, there are always people who are going to default to the most capable person in the room to lead. If you are always that person, it’s going to come at a major cost to your well being.

Highly capable people (regardless of what drove them to the level of capability they have) must know how to set boundaries and manage their energy, otherwise other aspects of their lifestyle will get thrown out of whack due to low energy. Everything you do and if you are going to do it well, depends on your level of personal energy, so if your energy is low suffering will rise in the inverse proportion that you feel overwhelmed.

There are others.

The one thing that cannot be underestimated is the power of a supportive story, otherwise known as the key to a positive psychology which, according to The University of Pennsylvania has 3 factors.

1. positive emotions
2. positive individual traits
3. positive institutions

For one, it’s very hard to maintain positive emotions if you have stories in your head that are driving you (as we say) “a little bit crazy” and you are suffering from low energy. These are stories that you have created or others are installing in you, that take advantage of your weak sense of sense of self either in general or in the moment; and sometimes even your low energy state.

One thing that performance addicts do when they are in a state of low energy or experiencing a negative internal psychology is cover up with even more action, more effort… more, more, more rather than face what they are experiencing; and this is why the curse of the capable, no matter what definition you have for it, is the one addiction that on the outside looks so positive and noble and admirable, but on the inside can cost your your life.

Success psychology that is divorced from the realities of your life and lifestyle, can cause a great deal of problems. Be careful, go ahead and live the hard charging success oriented life (I do it too), but make sure your high achievement is based on a balanced and healthy lifestyle or what is known ironically as a PerformanceLifestyle. Your Lifestyle, if its going to promote a balanced, healthy, high-achieving life, starts with the supportive story – the basic unit of a positive psychology.

Ultimately the power of a supportive story cannot be denied. It is not simply a positive story that covers up reality. It is a realistic story with an optimistic slant that enables you deal with your real situation and it’s challenges, yet maintain a bright outlook at the same time, because your story supports how you really want to feel, which is good!

About 20 years ago, I read a book that truly changed my life. It was called Diet for a New America by John Robbins.

In subsequent years, I would come in contact with John Robbins many times through my studies of the health sciences and stints in the vegan and vegetarian worlds where he is a prominent speaker. Also, through my work with motivational guru Tony Robbins (no relation) who would feature John Robbins at his Training Certifications as someone who was changing the world.

John Robbins is the would-be heir to the Baskin Robbins fortune, who turned down that fortune for a rich, natural, self-sustaining life on an island living on $300.00 a month and the food he grew in his garden. He just couldn’t support an enterprise that was promoting ill health and heart disease.

He is a leading force in the food revolution where people are learning how their diet will not only save their life but also the world. The founder of Earthsave International, his nonprofit organization, he is an example man who has truly changed the lives of millions, including this author. He is also a living example of someone who knows how to change his story to support well being.

The Story Changes
We are all familiar with the events in 2008 when the economic meltdown saw many people’s dreams go up in smoke; John Robbins saw this decline go a lot further. He had the bulk of his wealth invested with Bernie Madoff, who was named by Newsweek in 2009 at the greediest human being to have ever walked the earth. He understandably got caught up in the Ponzi scheme that defrauded thousands of intelligent investors of some $20B dollars.

Can you imagine working your whole life, building a nest egg, supporting your family including extended family members with special needs, and then, in the blink of any eye your wealth is gone?

Recently, I read John Robbins book The New Good Life, Living Better than Ever in the Age of Less. Immediately, I thought to myself while scanning the book; this is such an incredible living example of a changed story and a man’s effort not to get caught in the potentially toxic shame of a bad story, but rather to understand his situation and find a new life story; a process that is less about one of heroics and what pop psychology would call a “success story” and more one of an intention that took time to play out, but played out better nonetheless.

In his words:

“I felt waves of shame. I had let my family down. I had put all our eggs in one basket. I had made a lot of money over the years, saved it diligently, had created financial security for my family, and now it was suddenly all gone. It seemed impossible for us to keep our home. Would we end up on the street? What would happen to the twins?

Reeling in shock an pain, I realized I had to mobilize and to act, and do it quickly. I had to cope, not mope. I had to find a way to experience my grief as a strength, rather than as a vulnerability or a weakness. Bernard Madoff stole our money, but I wasn’t about to let him steal the rest of our lives.”

John Robbins and his family took drastic steps which you can read all about on page 25 of the chapter Rags and Riches in his book, but I submit none of this would have been possible if he had not first looked at his situation and figured out a way to morph his thinking in a way supportive of a new and better life, amidst the strain of such incredible loss.

It’s likely no new way of looking at things caused complete relief for him or his family, as no new story (way of thinking) can do that in one fell swoop any way, but by focusing on positive aspects, as my friend Esther Hicks would say, John Robbins found a more supportive way to lead and live a new and better life, easing the pain of his loss… little by little.

Perhaps no one was going to let John Robbins fail, for he’s done so much for so many; the world would come to his aid to at least a certain degree; but the truth is, without a supportive story and quick action, that ‘certain degree’ would not be enough, and the impact of that event could have landed he and his family on the street.

John Robbins is living “The New Good Life”, better, in an age of less for him and many others because he chose to turn his vulnerable situation into a strength and inspire others to do the same. He was in the boat himself and a new story about his life, one that could support a good life still, is what he ultimately arrived at. It didn’t happen in 5 quick steps, it happened in stages, like we talk about in the book, with a great deal of support and most of all, lots of empathy in genuine relationship with others.

He had every right to beat the doldrums and he had the story to support it, and I’m sure he beat those drums on occasion. I think beating the doldrums has a place and a purpose. Perhaps, it helps us understand the story, and it’s consequences and how it makes us feel, but ultimately John Robbins in this example, put a new story into play. He recognized the value of transparency not cover-up and today, he is inspiring others to live a new, good life. The antithesis would have been to talk about how bad things were, which would have been a curse, for a capable person like John Robbins.

This is not about merely being positive, it’s about re-storying your life or some aspect of it, in a way that will work for you and others, not against you. Getting free of an unsupportive story, especially one that is built on inaccurate information as Dr Ciaramicoli is taking about throughout the book, leading to a distorted view of yourself (like looking into cracked mirror) is the very essence of changing your life; for it is the stories we tell about our life that mostly determine our experience.

Reading this book is most certainly one of the best examples I have ever read of a man living a changed story because it had just clear lines and consequences, and it reminds me to look at other areas in my own life where I am telling stories about my life or various circumstances within it, that don’t support my well being. It can do the same for you.

The curse of a capable person is a story that does not support you, where are you telling stories that don’t support you and the life experience you want. Wrapped up in that story, are the aspects you need to address and change.

John Allen Mollenhauer

A few weeks ago I was talking with one of my patients about his recent release from the hospital where he was treated for a major infection. He was telling me he had to get home to cook the turkey for Thanksgiving. He was bringing the meal to his elderly parents, his mother is recovering from her second bout of breast cancer and his dad is currently struggling with the effects of Leukemia. Joe also mentioned that he invited a few of his workers to dinner as he knew they had nowhere else to go for the holiday as their families were far away.

   I met Joe some time ago when he was referred to me for stress related work problems. He had a thriving construction business, owned several rental properties in addition to a beautiful home on Cape Cod. He son was turning 8 and his wife complained of his working seven days a week and not being a very tolerant husband. Joe has always been a perfectionist, holding himself and others to very high standards. He had trouble maintaining employees as he often drove them as hard as he drives himself.  His anger would often get the better of him, leading to physical altercations on a few occasions. Nevertheless he impressed me as well intentioned and in many ways good hearted.  I could tell early on he was not someone who would be easy to work for or live with. His intolerance for anyone who didn’t see things his way seemed to be a characteristic of his black and white thinking. He once told he had no room for the gray in life, “you either step up and do the work or get out of the way” was his motto.

                                               Out of Despair Kindness Arises

       One rainy day Joe’s entire life ironically changed for the better. He fell off a roof and became paralyzed. He was used to scaling buildings, walking great heights and using potentially fatal power tools. On this day, he was in a hurry to make a dentist appointment. His attention dropped, his foot slipped and the next thing he knew he was on his back struggling to breathe.

As you might expect Joe went through a profound depression after the accident. Joe’s wife eventually filed for divorce, continuing a time in his life that seemed like the worst nightmare possible.

I lived through Joe’s depression. I visited him in a Boston hospital after I learned he was paralyzed. His first words to me were, “Doc, can you believe this happened to me? What am I going to do? I could lose my business. How will I support my family? This is crazy. I can’t live like this! You know I can’t!” I cried when I left his room. I felt empty with a deep sense of sadness as I drove home, wondering how I could help Joe and how he could ultimately help himself.

How could this man, in his late 30’s, very successful, two homes, real estate, land purchases, see it all come crumbling down and recover? His wife had left him. Two years later his father developed leukemia; then his mother discovered she had breast cancer. The only friend he felt understood his plight was a fellow paraplegic he met in rehab. Unfortunately, his friend committed suicide shortly thereafter, not being able to cope with the life of a paraplegic. We started our journey with a momentous mountain in our path.                                                                                                                                                                      

The first two years of our meetings were filled with grief, anger and despair. I listened as Joe told me how much he missed walking, running and skating. He’d been a stellar athlete and a very physical man all his life. How could he ever work out again? How could he regain his business? Would he disappoint his son?  He was afraid he wouldn’t be able to teach him how to hit a baseball, fish, ski, etc. Would his ex-wife’s new boyfriend take his place in his son’s heart? All these fears filled his mind, all based on a loss of complete control.                                                                                                                        

He constantly asked me what I thought about regaining his business, how could he continue his role as a father and whether he would ever drive again. We found a physical therapist who would train him to condition his upper body so that he could move more adeptly in his chair. He called truck manufacturers to see if a vehicle could be made for him to drive. We talked about how he could train men to be part of his construction business. He eventually trained two men, and he even had them hoist him up on to the very roof he’d fallen from to face his fear and most importantly, “to finish that goddamn job.”

We made a plan to call old customers to let them know he was back in business. He asked the baseball commissioner of his son’s league if he could coach his team. Last spring they won their division and his son could not be more proud of his dad.

Today, Joe’s business is again successful. He goes to job sites daily and works out at a gym three times a week. He has made his home handicap accessible and has become a great cook. He had abandoned his church after the accident, but today he and his son attend every Sunday morning. “It gives me such a good feeling to be there with him.” He has unleashed the kindness that had been buried within him for years.

                                                                                                                     Goodness Changes the Brain

A few weeks ago, after one of our individual sessions, Joe remarked, “I am a better person as a paraplegic.” “I turned my life around; I’ve come to believe that people are basically good. So many strangers have cared for me, given me their best to help me get better; they made me a more compassionate person. I was always so hard on people; I never realized how difficult it was for me to trust anybody.”

The tragedies of Joe’s accident made him slow down and reflect as the circumstances overwhelmed him with emotion. He was not known for expressing feelings readily. Loss of control can be a blessing. It can actually lift a burden one has been carrying all through life.

Joe tried so very hard to control all aspects of his life—his work environment, his wife, his son, etc. He always thought he was doing the “right thing.” He never realized that people could not relax around him. They worried he would be easily displeased or that they would disappoint him if they didn’t make that “all-out” effort he encouraged.

Today he has learned how to listen rather than using his old style of lecturing. He can tolerate vulnerability rather than giving anyone who has a doubt a pep talk. He understands human frailty in a way he never considered before. As a result, people feel closer to him and he feels closeness with many people he never experienced closeness with before.

People who remain open to new experiences and who expand their social circle have an expanded capacity for learning. Their brains develop new neurons. They find life interesting, not a chore. They like to find the novelty in every situation and “mix it up” a little, as opposed to the routine predictability I often see in many of my adult clients.

Joe lives near the church where I rent space to do my group sessions. After group on Friday mornings, I meet Joe at his home for our weekly session.

One Friday morning I was early and arrived before him. I talked with Ronnie, a recovering drug addict who is staying with Joe—not because Joe needs help, but because Ronnie needs to put his life back together. Ronnie lost his job, his wife, his driver’s license and most of his friends because of cocaine; and he is having trouble figuring out how to adapt to the circumstances of his life.

When Joe arrived, he roared up on the motorcycle he had custom-outfitted for his particular disability. He had come from the lake where he was overseeing the construction of a dock at a camp for handicapped children so they could learn how to kayak and water ski. Last winter, Joe went skiing on a special ski with his young son in Aspen. He also won a deep sea fishing contest with his son in Canada this past summer.

                                    Giving is a Survival Skill

A number of scientific studies as of late have indicated that being a giving person, an individual with a warm heart who extends himself or herself to others derives significant psychological benefits. Goodness stimulates the pleasure center of the brain, releases the feel good chemical dopamine,  and as a result this kind of empathic attunement is thought to protect our species by fostering cooperative efforts. Joe derived the benefits of giving as he was forced into a state of vulnerability. He learned through his tragic accident how vulnerability increases interpersonal capability. It would have seemed impossible to him to imagine loosing the use of his legs and immerging a happier person. It is a fact I have been privileged to witness. When we are open and honest with ourselves we can be open and honest with others. In the process we discover goodness in ourselves we can share with the rest of the world. It is surely a protective, connective process that allows us to remain healthy and vibrant. The opposite is true when we remain isolated and pre-occupied with our self interests to the exclusion of others.

In my experience leading group therapy sessions over the years I have continually noticed that when people become involved with other members in an empathic way they begin to feel better. The cure for depression and anxiety is not within but between us, as we enter the world of another we take a mental vacation from ourselves while influencing our neurochemistry positively.

                                         Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D., Ph.D.

                     Author of the Curse of the Capable: The Hidden Challenge to a Balanced, Healthy, High Achieving Life.

      .

Goodness is defined as the best part of anything.

Goodness is surely the best part of human beings. It is when we act with kindness, generosity, strength and integrity. Henry David Thoreau said that “goodness is the only investment that never fails”. It never fails because when we engage others with an attitude of goodness we produce what we are biologically and spiritually programmed to do. We produce the hormone oxytocin, which has been called the hormone of compassion which is elicited when we bond through the relational qualities that goodness embodies.

We all possess basic goodness, but depending on how resilient we are in facing day to day challenges, this inherent quality can recede into the background of our lives.

What interferes with our basic nature?
We probably all remember being told to “be good” by our parents and those of us raised in one of the major religions remember being told to “do good” in the service of others. Over time these phrases have been taken for granted and have seemed to have lost the basic message they were intended to deliver. If we do not appreciate the value of goodness we are unlikely to live from this perspective.

Human beings are kinder to each other when we feel safe and secure. With the rise of aggression in our culture, the threat of terrorism, the increase of bullying in our schools and in our workplace we find ourselves in a position of fear.

Fear creates anxiety, anxiety creates distorted thinking and ultimately distorted thinking creates an inflexible, overly simplified view of the world. These recent changes in our culture have promoted a lack of good will toward others and fostered more self absorption and less outward giving.

Black and White Thinking
Studies have proven that when we feel secure bias and prejudice is markedly reduced. Perception and mood are closely related. When we feel understood and secure we are more likely to perceive accurately and more likely to do good rather than do harm.

Social psychologists have long established that avoidant or anxious individuals will bolster their own self worth by imagining that their group, whether ethnic, religious or otherwise is superior. This defensive posture creates rigid thinking, the black and white perceptions that promote simplified theories of human beings and their affiliations.

Rigidity protects a fragile sense of self; it creates an artificial road map that gives an insecure person answers and direction to life complexities. Establishing a world view on anything but the truth will ultimately create more and more fear. Anxious people avoid new ideas and new ways of thinking, while avoidant people run from new challenges, both fearing loss of self esteem if they give up their entrenched beliefs.

To Do Good We Must Feel Good
If we have a solid sense of self we are far more likely to be gracious to groups other than our own. We emerge with greater tolerance of differences when we have been loved, respected and understood in the early parts of our lives. If we received the empathic resonance all young people crave we grow with optimism and with an excitement about learning new and novel ideas from new and novel people. It begins in our families.

If our parents had friends of diversity, if they were open to learning new possibilities to replace less functional ideas we are likely to value and feel happy when learning. This is the opposite experience of those who grew up in insecure households where the enemy was outside and the only good people remain inside.

Goodness then takes on a distorted meaning promoting the idea that we should only be and do good to our own, not those unlike us. If you talk to any early childhood educator they will tell you it takes only a few days in the initial school year to identify the empathic children who love life, love learning and most importantly love making friends.

Knowing how to express goodness makes us happy, more energetic and more resilient. We have more skills to manage daily living. We are not limited in our pursuits of knowledge and we are not limited in the array of people we can befriend. Young children feel the way we feel but they don’t think the way we think, therefore learning must take place by doing and feeling.

When learning is recorded on a visceral level it is embedded in the deepest part of our memory bank. Experience shapes our early outlook of ourselves and the world, children pay far less attention to what we say and far more attention to what we do. The old saying, “ do as I say not as I do” is a hypocritical message based on myth not on the true realities of how learning actually takes place. We are the models, the teachers who must convey a sense of excitement about doing good for all people.

Teaching Goodness
To uncover the basic goodness in each of us we must make a disciplined effort. We must recognize that goodness is part of our being; it is at the heart of our humanness. We have to move away from excluding anyone based on bias and prejudice. Goodness is not just for those who adhere to the Judeo-Christian ethic or the Buddhist or Muslim ethic or for that matter goodness is as much inherent to atheists as to any group.

We are all born with this inherent capacity. But what if we have been raised to believe that one group is superior to another, or that several of our thinking patterns are superior to others. I can assure if you think your education, race, religion, vocation, income, or location make you superior you are profoundly mistaken and doomed to a life of superficial relationships.

We teach goodness by the way we live, not by holding on to fixed ideas to shore up our sense of self. Be honest with yourself, acknowledge situations and people who threaten you and go about resolving these issues rather than punishing innocent people for being their authentic selves. You will never be comfortable in your own skin unless you have the courage to allow yourself to be vulnerable and discover where you need to grow and learn.

In many instances we need to un-learn mistaken positions we have held on to defensively. Old hurts are recorded deeply in the brain; we are programmed to remember what caused us fear. Fear creates rigid thinking which leads to false theories and inaccurate judgments. Re-evaluate your past with today’s wisdom and in the process you will release your dormant innate goodness.

Thomas Paine, one of our Founding Fathers when asked about his philosophy of life, replied “My country is the world, my religion is to do good”. Our world would surely be a better place if his words became synonymous with our actions on a daily basis.

Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D., Ph.D.
Author of The Curse of the Capable: The Hidden Challenge to a Balanced, Healthy, High Achieving Life.

In the book, The Curse of the Capable, there is a concept called “the downward trend”; it’s what happens when an unsupportive internal psychology manifests physically, particularly during busy times.

Thanksgiving has just passed, and surely it was a very busy time for you.

How are you feeling?

For many people who suffer from the curse, unable to stop themselves from being active all the time; accomplishing, achieving, doing everything to the 9′s, it take a physical toll. I see this all the time as a  lifestyle performance coach; clients learn all about healthy living, but for some reason, a reason they are unaware of, even though they may know what to do, they ultimately do not have the time, space or the energy to do it, or are just enable to make a change.

So they think.

That realization is a major reason why I got involved in this work with Dr Ciaramicoli and learned about this thing, called “the curse”. I used to just call it… “it”. When I read his book Performance Addiction, “it” finally had a name. We talk more about that story, in the free download available on the site.

Here’s a little about the downward trend from the book and why you need to be extra specially careful during the Holidays to stay out of it. Remember, if you haven’t yet changed your internal thinking, the holidays, as much of a blessing as they are, can also amplify the curse.

An addiction to performance, regardless of the underlying reasons, requires that you stimulate your way through the day to keep going. The methods employed are usually more food, stimulants and yes, more activity.

Even if the “stimulant” is exercise, the body gets more exhausted because of a lack of recovery. Facing a true exhaustive state without a feeling of accomplishment (which those with PA have difficulty experiencing because they are always on to the next thing) is depressing and persistent.

The downward trend continues; the psychological pattern of PA now becomes an energy drain with physical manifestations. Rarely if ever stepping back to change the pattern, the addicted person presses on for elusively better results in her body, her life and her business. He or she seeks quicker, more effective solutions—fitness programs, diets and drug fixes—to deal with the ever-present health problems such as fatigue and weight gain.

But this can only be solved by stepping back and changing your lifestyle and essentially how you achieve your goals in the world. As the symptoms of this pattern are suppressed en masse, we get an emerging population of increasingly more anxious performance addicts with seemingly less time, energy and space to take care of themselves. This could describe our culture.

When sharing the title for this book with others prior to publishing, no sooner would I get the words out of my mouth when someone would say something to the effect of “Whatever it is, I’ve got it” or “I know what you’re talking about.”

Anyone who has followed the path of dealing with symptoms, but avoided the roots of the problem, that usually start in the realm of well being (thinking, life structure…) knows in his or her heart it does not work. Health statistics are the perfect example; they get worse and worse as obesity climbs up 6% per year, and this year will be no different.

The “quick fix” (from the top down or outside in) for what are really lifestyle issues (that require a bottom up or from the inside out solution), is anything but quick. It seems to work in the short term, but in the end the gain is usually outweighed by the pain of compounding problems still covered up.

The downward trend creates misery and potentially a “lost cause” outlook as the roots of PA, its psychological challenges and physical consequences are buried deep and out of sight.

You know you need to change, but like all addictions, tomorrow your defense of rationalization and your “second wind” takes over. You return to using the only methods you know work; at least you know they work temporarily.

In our society we know that if you look good and also have credentials and money (despite an unhealthy lifestyle,) you are going to be idealized for a while; but if these results are based on an addiction to performance and a poor lifestyle, it’s only a matter of time before the curse takes its destructive toll. It was this realization that originally inspired The Curse of the Capable. The addiction itself is not the cause; you have to uncover the root causes if you really want to solve the problem and stay off the downward trend.

As we start the new year…

The quest for relief typically starts with a recommitment to goals, higher levels of activity and productivity, a new exercise program, a stricter diet regimen, more attempts to please others etc. to deal with the symptoms of this driven, yet overwhelming and exhausting way of life that can leave you feeling helpless despite your obvious capabilities.

Unfortunately, none of those efforts deal with the hidden challenges or its roots, which will magnify during periods of stress. Irrational and inaccurate belief systems emotionally hardwired from earlier experiences drive us in self-destructive ways, even though the actions may appear admirable.

In a world where performance is rewarded to maintain productivity and quick fixes are the norm, performance addicts are at an extreme disadvantage. Amidst the cultural expectations for achievement, they are unable to assert their personal preferences, set boundaries or take care of themselves at the level they need to maintain balance, health and well-being.

They may be achieving their goals, but living out of balance, they are trading their health and well being to do it.

Once you are on this downward trend, all aspects of the curse are amplified.

And what’s the impact?

In Dr Ciaramicoli’s recent blog post, “The Need for Goodness in our Troubled World” he says….

“Human beings are kinder to each other when we feel safe and secure. With the rise of aggression in our culture, the threat of terrorism, the increase of bullying in our schools and in our workplace we find ourselves in a position of fear. Exhaustion and financial difficulties don’t help either.

Fear creates anxiety, anxiety creates distorted thinking and ultimately distorted thinking creates an inflexible, overly simplified view of the world. These recent changes in our culture have promoted a lack of good will toward others and fostered more self absorption and less outward giving.

Imagine, external circumstances that are creating fear and anxiety and how they can be amplified because you are overwhelmed and exhausted, unhappy because of symptoms you may be experiencing underlying it all (overweight), and being distracted by health complications. That can really compound issues in your life.

That’s one very good reason you want to stay out of the downward trend.

By John Allen Mollenhauer, co – author.

Not long ago a patient of mine pleaded with me to find time to see her son in consultation. Marie is a single mom raising two boys, ages 19 and 16. She has been divorced for several years, her alcoholic husband hit her one too many times and she left him when the boys were quite young.

Her oldest son Nathan has had a very troubling life, often acting out in school, quite aggressive and extremely disrespectful of authority. He quit high school in his junior year, has drifted throughout the country and eventually found what he has come to call his new family, the infamous group called white supremacists.

I agreed to see Nathan and our one time consultation proved to be invaluable in my further understanding of the mind of the bully. Nathan proudly let me know that he has beaten blacks, Jews, gays, Italians, Puerto Ricans etc. He made it clear in the early moments of this consultation that he and his fellow supremacists were the only ones who were truly protecting American values. His initial story was not uncommon, I am sure you have heard these descriptions of violence in the name of distorted views of justice.

The Real Story-The Hidden Injury
Nathan was particularly prideful about his hatred of blacks; he talked of how they were truly inferior, less intelligent than whites, living off the system as he continued to ramble on about their destruction of white society for several minutes. I listened for the most part as he ranted.

At one point he commented that he knew I must agree with his views.” After all my mom said you’ve been at Harvard and “there aren’t many blacks walking around in Cambridge”. I of course informed him there were many black professors at Harvard and in particular several who were noted for their brilliance in the medical school. He argued and again I just let him vent. After I was able to calm him by listening attentively I slowly asked him if he would give me an honest answer to an important question. He proudly said of course as I knew he would not want to convey retreat.

I asked him if he thought he would score higher on an IQ test than one of my black colleagues if I could arrange for testing in a few days. He fumbled for an answer and for the first time I could see his exposed vulnerability. “I’ve never been school smart; it doesn’t matter anyway on the street”.

I then complimented him for answering honestly. He was surprised as he did not exactly answer my question. I mentioned that he revealed his answer without many words and although he was feeling angry I could tell he was an honest person. Nathan, at this point, had calmed down somewhat and I knew I had his attention. I then asked if I could ask a second question and he agreed. His pride seemed to be pushing him forward.

The Scene of the Crime-the Original Story
I asked Nathan how it came about that he developed such hatred for blacks. He went on tell me how he grew up in a poor neighborhood outside of Boston. He was one of the few white kids on his street and he was taunted and hit on the bus repeatedly by black kids who were older and stronger. He felt totally humiliated day after day. “I told my old man what was going on but he was always too drunk and never did a dam thing about it, my mother was too scared herself and eventually we moved but not after me learning what these n……were really all about”.

The Bully was Bullied
As Nathan told of his early suffering and how his rage developed he began to mellow, at one point his rage turned to tears. The origin of his hatred was clear, there is always a story of hurt, humiliation and damaged self worth behind feelings of rage. We ended our conversation that night and I never saw Nathan again. His mom moved to Florida to take care of her elderly parents shortly thereafter. A few months ago I received an email from Marie saying Nathan had left his so called friends and was living with the her and his grandparents. She said things were still quite difficult, his temper could erupt at any moment but he was enrolled in an IT school to gain certification as a technician. She also mentioned he seemed to be benefitting from conversations with her father, an ex marine who had great respect for what violence can do to a person’s life.

An Ordinary Human Being
You may think of Nathan as unusual and in many ways despicable. After all he took delight in bullying and beating innocent people. He is however not so unusual in terms of the development of a bullying personality. Aggression fosters aggression, empathy fosters empathy. Nathan, like many other abusers, was abused himself. He lived with unbearable humiliation, lacked the support of a stable family to help him cope and as a result eventually feel prey to the seduction of the supremacists. They initially offered him connection, support and a family structure that seemed to guarantee him safety and security. They united with him in rage toward a common enemy as they superficially built up his self esteem. They praised him for following their dictates and rewarded his bullying under the disguise of protecting white people who were being robbed of their independence and rights.

I am reminded of the classic studies by psychologist Stanley Milgram when he was determined to understand how seemingly ordinary people could commit atrocities such as those perpetrated by the Nazi’s during the holocaust.

Dr. Milgram designed an experiment where some individuals were told that they were helping researchers to find ways to improve memory. They were divided into roles of teachers and learners. Learners were to memorize a set of words, teachers would administer the testing. In actuality the learners were actors implanted by Dr. Milgram. Teachers were to deliver and electric shock for wrong answers, beginning with 15 volts. The control panel of the electroshock machine was labeled slight shock to danger to severe shock. Even though the learners were shouting “ I can’t stand the pain” at 450 volts, once the experimenter stated that he would assume all responsibility two thirds of the teachers continued to elicit shocks to the very end of the scale. This result shocked the researchers themselves but proved that ordinary, decent people could perpetrate acts of violence and cruelty. This experiment has been duplicated many times indicating that when people shift their sense of responsibility to an authority they are capable of doing immense harm. Nathan had shifted his sense of responsibility to group leaders, freeing him to unleash his sadistic side without evoking his conscience.

Human Beings are born to Care not Hurt
Numerous studies indicate that we are genetically programmed to care for each other. If however were abused, neglected or humiliated the capacity for empathy withers and we are left with a sense of helpless rage toward those who inflicted suffering on us. I was asked recently by a reporter if empathy can be taught. I answered in seconds, “absolutely”.

In conducting group psychotherapy sessions over the years I have witnessed many individuals develop this capacity even if it was under-developed for most of their lives. Human beings cannot resist empathic attunement. Even Nathan, with all his rage, began to soften as he felt understood. I saw in his eyes the hurt humiliated boy who desperately was searching for understanding, belonging and safety. When we don’t feel secure and safe we are vulnerable to being manipulated by predators and we are vulnerable to forming long lasting prejudices that fuel resentment and chronic unhappiness.

The Societal Factor
If as a society we want to reduce bullying and aggression we have to place more emphasis on teaching cooperation and less emphasis on idealizing the win at all costs attitude. We reward the aggressor in many instances on a regular basis. Professional athletes and celebrities act with disdain for human life and we forgive them because they perform and achieve on high levels. This attitude promotes valuing status over character and achievement over quality relationships. If our goal is to become rich materially at the expense of becoming poor spiritually we will continue to witness acts of terror.

Our young people will continue to take their lives as they envision no hope for fairness and equality in a society devoid of empathic understanding of differences. Developing and expanding our innate capacity for empathy is the salve our society is in desperate need of, let us all place our inherent goodness as the guiding motivation to living and behaving with compassionate and tolerance. Our youth is in need of rescue, it is a critical, immediate need we are responsible to fulfill.

Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D., Ph.D.
Author of The Curse of the Capable: The Hidden Challenge to a Balanced, Healthy, High Achieving Life.

Tonight, we are delivering the first The Introductory Webinar Revealing the 5 Stages to Greater Love, Health and Success

Get Free of “the Curse”.

Are you a “High-Achiever?”

You may be surprised to know that it’s not your level of success and riches that determine if you are one.

| It’s less a matter of what you have achieved than the nagging desire for more.

Achievers drive themselves non-stop. They often seek love and respect from what they achieve and how they look. Yet, they feel something is missing but can’t quite put their finger on it.

They tend to exhaust themselves and others.

Even when they succeed, there’s still something missing and they will usually turn right to the next thing.

Athletes usually have it. Actors often struggle with it. And as you read these words, millions of people, from all walks of life, are suffering with “the curse.”

The Curse Is…

…a combination of drive, capability and an inner dialogue that is driving many people into the ground.

An addiction to performance, this endless drive to do more, win more, have more, look better is turning most people into high achievers without the needed support, and blocking them from the success and satisfaction they want even when they do succeed.

| Even when you do “win,” does it feel less than satisfying?

>>> It’s not fun—and it’s NOT the road to balanced success.  <<<<

It’s a deadly dance with emptiness, and dissolution that ruins relationship, sabotages success and robs you of your energy, vitality and life.

If any of these feels familiar…

If you suspect that you may be a “high-achiever” then you know this in your gut to be true for you.

You also need to know that you can change your story.

That’s exactly what you’ll discover how to do in this Introductory Webinar with Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli, Clinical Psychologist and Harvard Medical School Instructor, and coauthor John Allen Mollenhauer, leading authority in Performance Lifestyle training and coaching, who will discuss the contents of their newly released book The Curse of the Capable: The hidden challenge to a balanced and healthy, high-achieving life.

Get ready to drop the weight of the past:

Turn Fear into Strength, Anxiety into Action and Go From Getting By to Feeling Better Relatively Fast with The 5-Step Process to Change Your Story!

Space is limited, so

==>>Reserve your Webinar seat now at:

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Moderator: Jeff Betman, PhD, Clinical Psychologist

In my last group therapy session members were discussing their levels of happiness in relation to all aspects of their lives.  This particular group ranges in age from mid-forties to mid -fifties. One of the women who was recently divorced said her major frustration in life is not having a sexual partner. “I haven’t had sex in more than a year, she kiddingly made light of the situation but we could all tell she was genuinely frustrated. As members began to open up she was surprised to hear that some married members do not have sex regularly. Two of our male members said they basically live in celibate marriages. Her reaction, “I don’t think I could stay married, why do you stay in such a negative situation”. Ironically the two men who currently have celibate marriages have been married the longest. One indicates that he has gained a new understanding of his situation over time. “My wife struggled with her weight all her life, as the years went on she felt more and more unattractive despite my telling her she looked good, I still love her but I have never been able to change her mind. Then menopause came early and the lights went out completely.  I admit I have been angry with her for a long time but through couples sessions I realize that it is not personal, it is something she is working on and I finally have come to believe it is not about me. I have hope for the future because I know we love each other and we’re both trying”.

                                    Sexual Desire is Complicated

    In my practice the story above is a very common, particularly as people age. There are a multitude of reasons as to why people become distant sexually. Unresolved conflict, ill health, poor fitness, depression, anxiety about body image, alcohol or drug use, sexual abuse and of course hormonal changes are all influential factors. In addition a person’s history with affection within one’s own family is a very important factor.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            One of our group members is a person we all admire tremendously. He is not a driven or self absorbed person, his character is outstanding and his devotion to people in his community is quite impressive. He was divorced several years ago and his second marriage has been the best relationship of his life. However his wife has never had strong sexual desires and as she has aged her desire for sex has diminished greatly. Ron has periodically talked of his longing for her and how rejected he sometimes feels. He has periodically brought up the subject with her and he ultimately feels uncomfortable as his wife usually ends up feeling terrible. She loves him deeply and realizes she is disappointing him in significant ways. Ron knows his life loves him. They communicate well except for this very touchy subject, and have both been very committed to their children from both of their previous marriages. In our last group session he was asked how he copes with such infrequent sexual contact. “I don’t know really, I try to focus on the other aspects of our relationship. My wife is a very affectionate person, we cuddle on the couch and in bed so it’s not like I can’t feel her interest. I think of how wonderful she has been to my family, my dying father, my daughter over the years and I love how committed she is to the students in her class. I should talk to her more about our sexual relationship but I just don’t like hurting her. All in all I cope by knowing she is the best thing that ever happened to me. Do I wish we could make love occasionally? Of course but for now I have to look at the whole picture”.

                                        What is the Answer?

Sexuality in the early stages of a relationship is easy, takes very little skill and is usually filled with idealized projections of who the other persona is and how they will change our lives. As time goes on reality sets in and those who use sex for functional reasons often become disenchanted quickly. Sexual intimacy for them is not about loving it is about satisfying needs to lift self worth.  They seldom remain engaged long enough to truly love the essence of another person. They move on to another fantasized person who will temporarily serve as an anti-depressant.

         What about those individuals who come to truly love their partner. What do you do when sexual intimacy is lacking and emotional distance is growing? How do you decide to go on if you know intimacy may not be a major part of the relationship? These are extremely complicated questions for sure and they will take time and patience to answer accurately. It is most important to ask yourself if you are allowing for intimacy to develop. Examine your own behavior first and with the help of your partner try to be honest and open as to what you bring to the relationship that may hinder intimacy. For instance,  many people underestimate the need for relationships to be fostered and not taken for granted. If you don’t water the plant it withers, love is no different. After you have worked out your part with clarity you are in a better position to access the level of genuine love in your relationship. If it is truly absent it will be easier to make decisions. For instance my two patients above love their wives and thus they have decided to remain committed and will continue to work on the possibilities.

                                      Empathy creates Intimacy

   In order to maintain intimacy in any quality long term relationship we have to go beyond physical attraction to encompass the heart and soul of the person we have committed our lives to. Empathy leads us from the initial superficial connection to a deep, heartfelt relationship that involves knowing and loving the whole person. When we love and accept our partner’s imperfections we also find ourselves more acceptant of our own limitations and shortcomings.

     It is foolish to assume your sexual relationship will remain the same as when you first met. Many people long for the return to the initial infatuation phase.  It is far more fulfilling when we actually experience the depth of love that goes beyond imagination to a reality that is supportive, dependable and expansive. Ultimate intimacy is when two souls join together as one. As we have seen this may or may not include sexual intimacy. In any event when you establish this kind of depth you are in a much better position to judge the relevance and importance of sexuality to you and your partner. In my experience when couples love deeply and empathically they find a way to re-engage affectionately and often reach a satisfactory level of sexual intimacy.

                                          Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D., Ph.D.

                                 Author of The Curse of the Capable: The Hidden Challenge to a Balanced, Healthy, High Achieving Life.

In our newly released book, The Curse of the Capable we mentioned how Tiger Woods single minded focus worked successfully for him before he was married and how his life had supposedly become more balanced as he married and started a family. I don’t pretend to know Mr. Woods other than what I have read and observed so I mean no disrespect to him or his family for including him in this article.  His relevance to this piece is due to his inclusion in the new book. At the time of the writing he was noted as a celebrity who performed at high levels while being a balanced family man. This unmistakable point is worth reviewing retrospectively and certainly is not exclusive to celebrities as you will see.

                     How we use Stories to cover up our Vulnerabilities

   Tiger, like many other very capable people, excels in one narrow area of life and many people assume this success extends to all aspects of his and other very competent people’s lives. This is a common dynamic of talented people who suffer from “The Curse”. The hallmark of this dilemma is the co-occurrence of being capable in a particular area, and the strong sense that something very important is missing although the individual can’t clearly identify what is missing. The Curse then manifests in various ways such as excessive drinking, affairs, angry outbursts, self abuse or abuse of others.  The unending search for what is missing becomes all consuming and can drive very competent people to lead very destructive lives.

                                     Cover Up’s Destroy Intimacy                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        We ironically included Tiger’s positive story in a chapter titled “Image Love”.

From the book, “People who are not in an intimate relationship and are unyieldingly caught up in constant achievement are engaged in a bold attempt to secure love and respect from afar, making love a distraction. As much as they may want love, those who feel cursed adopt stories that eliminate the possibility. It’s the classic achiever story of the person who puts the rest of his life on hold in order to excel in various ventures-be it job, a new business, perfecting appearance or various attempts to obtain fame and status.”  How ironic that today, after the book’s publication, it is now clear that the story depicted as the cure was actually more symbolic of the Curse.

               It’s not just Celebrities Who tell Inaccurate Stories

Obviously the story Tiger was telling the world was not the true story. He projected a profile he could not possibly live up to and eventually it all fell apart. We have been inundated with media reports of known celebrities acting inappropriately in their private lives, from Charlie Sheen, to Mel Gibson, to the NFL’s Ben Roethlisberger and many others. We have trouble believing that behind the scenes a different, less positive story exists than the one we see on camera. Sheen and Gibson are actors, Woods and Roethlisberger are athletes, but all are in the performance theatre, where stories can easily be constructed and exaggerated as well as promoted. However we are all part of this human story. If we evolve in the formative years of our lives with a negative story it will ultimately determines our behavior. Regardless of our professional success we will be destined to feel isolated, frustrated and often completely out of control.

             Understanding the Consequences of your Story

                      These celebrity examples are profound and highly publicized examples of how we create stories early in life that are based on fictional accounts of who we are. We all need to re-write these stories by obtaining accurate information from those who are willing to help us obtain the truth about ourselves. Otherwise we are allowing ourselves to be prone to extreme efforts to achieve in order to solve a problem that cannot be satisfied through performance. We see in these dramatic cases how we cannot solve an internal problem with an external solution. We can only be healed through having the courage to look back, with the help of others, to discern how we created the internal view we have of ourselves. That view determines our behavior and governs our perceptions. We wrote a novel early in life and that fictional account needs to be re-written as a non-fiction, factual account of who we are on the deepest level.

                              Emotional Freedom

Emotional freedom comes when we can accept our vulnerabilities and our imperfections. Freedom comes when we truly know ourselves and we perceive the character of those close to us accurately. Intimacy is sustained and a sense of internal calm is experienced with consistency when our comprehensive view of ourselves match reality, not when our stories remain confused, distorted and lead to  behavior that is self abusive and hurtful to others.

                        Empathy reveals our Authentic Self

We can clearly see the difference between the real and projected stories among celebrities. They unfortunately are scrutinized so closely by the media that when the authentic story is revealed it makes headlines immediately. Many people in our current driven society are no different although most of us don’t have to suffer through the humiliation of public exposure. It is not uncommon for human beings to project an image of themselves to the world that is untrue. We even come to believe that these unrealistic images we project are accurate. The only way we determine the true story is by entering into empathic relationships with those close to us. We have the opportunity to receive valuable feedback daily if we have the courage to do so. A great friend is one who gives us what we need not what we want. People sense whether or not we are open to honest feedback. Your friends, family and associates will tread lightly if you’re defensive, overly sensitive or resistant to forming a new view of yourself. We can’t make an accurate assessment of ourselves alone, we are all too subjective. Stay in your own head and you’re likely to buy into a false story. Open up to those around you and you are very likely to begin living with an internal story that will bring you love, creativity, and overall success in the world. Always remember your internal story determines your life experience.

            Arthur P. Ciaramicoli, Ed.D., Ph.D.

Author of The Curse of the Capable: The Hidden Challenge to a Balanced, Healthy, High Achieving Life.